Show you how.

Sometimes I don't know if I know what it feels like to be in love anymore.
It just seems like we never spend time in that area. It's always jumped to another level of interest emotion wise.

I feel like I'm only ever hurt in this come hither vanish feeling and situation.


Or maybe I'm messed up.

Maybe I'm over reacting.
Maybe I'm running with something, because I've not had luck in this department before, always had it get ruined.
Maybe it's me.
Could be.


I don't know.




But I'll just continue this shit.
See if it's even what it is. I've been tricked before.
And who knows because I'm not allowed to have this sort of conversation or I'm over analyzing and shit.
Whatever.





Lay down and let me lay with you
If you stay around then Ima stay with you.
Aint no way I'm leaving girl lets talk about it
Come here Ima show you how to love somebody.




Let's go to our own dream worlds.

Badfish

Oh Baby.

Music makes life good.
Raises the mood and lifts the spirit.
I don't know where I'd be without it. It helps me deal with anything. Makes it okay.

I'm very addicted to it. It's the best stress reliever.
And there's so much shit going around. I've always loved just chilling listening to music. It's the best way I ever spend my time.
It's what I used to do in the summer all the time.
Or in the spring when it gets just real nice.
I sit and I listen and I don't think.
Cause I don't need to.
I just.. listen and feel. My thoughts turn to feelings and it's so relaxing.
It's the best escape.

I can just forget that all my friends aren't my friends. That I've been let down in ways I never thought I would.. That I only have one person that makes sacrifices for me.
My mother doesn't even do that. Hasn't for a long time now. She did, once upon a time, sacrifice a lot. Lived away from her family away from where she grew up so I'd see my dad. But she's always resented me in a fashion for it. I'm serious. I know she.. loves me as I'm her child.. but it's.. more on a level of she gave birth to me she has no choice. At least that's the majority. And that's how it feels.
But it's whatever. I can do without.
And all these people I thought were of importance. People who I thought would be there for me, as I'm always willing to be there for them.. I was wrong. It's as simple as that.
My mistake.
I thought I was entitled to people who care about me. I mean, I thought.. I wasn't a bad person. And bad people have people who care for them.
I thought I was worth while.
I guess I'm wrong, as far as when it comes to them.
But that's fine. I can do without it.
I've got my one person, and I've got music.
I've got determination and I'll make it better. Might be hard going to get it done, but it'll happen. I've no other choice.

I believe we're looking for happiness. And I'm sick of other people ruining that for me.
And I'm sick of me worrying about said other people. Fuck them.
This is about me.
Me and whoever wants to actually be involved in my life. I don't need bullshit.
I don't need fake shit.
I don't need to be treated like shit.
I deserve better than that, and if that means going without a lot of things for a while, that's fine.

But I've gotten off course.

I spend most of my time thinking. My mind's always going and I really don't even know how to turn it off sometimes.
But music lets me do that.
I honestly don't know where I'd be without it.

I'm sick of taking life so seriously. I want to be carefree.
I want to be happy. And it will happen.
I'm sick of people fucking that up and me letting them.

See.. I have this thing where I'd love to be a hermit. Fuck people. I really hate them.
However I'm interested in some people on a personal level. I'll be the best friend to whoever will have me, granted they have to give some back. Cause I'm not for being taken advantage of.
And I've been known to let that happen for a while. I put up with a lot of shit, because I'm tricked into thinking shit will get better on it's own. But I'm learning it wont. If it's shitty it'll continue to be shitty.
That's why I don't care when people think I'm a horrible bitch.
I mean, I do care, because I'm honestly not a bitch.
But I know what I don't like. And I know that that's all I get if I don't speak up about something when it comes up. If I don't address an issue then it'll build up. And I don't like jumping through hoops and dealing with bullshit, so I'm frank.
A lot of people don't like that. They don't like that I'm strong? Fuck them. I don't need anyone to like me. All I /need/ in this life is a way to continue living and a few people who care. The rest of the world can fuck themselves if they've got a problem with me.
And it's only misunderstanding.
I'm a shy girl who doesn't want to be pushed around. However I can take a deal of it and I unfortunately let people walk all over me if they matter to me in any sense, at least for a while. I don't.. understand why people dislike me for that.
But that's fine.
Anyway. I'd love to be a hermit. but for the most part that doesn't work.
Cause one does need interaction. And I do like people on personal levels. I love having friends, but it's been so long a person has been true in that sense.
I do want people around me who I love and love me. I do want that happiness too, and that connection and that fun. But I do like seclusion. I do kinda want a close knit group too.
So I'll probably just be alone and have only family. As in the family I make. The new friends I make, if I ever do, when I move, and the family as in husband and children. Friends are an extension of said family.

I don't know.

I know I ramble. I can't help it.




I want open skies right now.
I want a cool slow breeze on a warm day.

I've always wanted, in that situation, to go somewhere with good friends. Just hang and talk about anything and everything. Easy fun, easy love.
But it never happens.
I guess I need to find those people. I need to be able to get into that environment too.
I don't know why it's seemingly so difficult.
A lot of false people in this world. A lot of people just out to get their own and hurt others. I don't understand it.

But just.. I mean, all I can say is summer.
I want that feeling. Freedom and easy times.
That's what music gives me.


So I've been thinking a lot. Like always.
But I've been thinking of children. And of course I don't want to bring any into the world just yet..
But I've still been thinking.
I just hope I can install the sort of strength in them I know it takes to get by in this world. To have them realize they must understand and love themselves.
I've got a bit of it. I love who and how I am. I know there is nothing wrong with me. There really isn't. I could be smarter, but I'm working on that. I could talk better with people, but I'm working on that. those are little things to work on and can be worked on. But who I am as a person, I'm completely fine with. If I was another person I'd be my friend. I am a good person. So that's not something I need to worry about. If other people don't see that it's because they don't want to. That's it, really..
Only thing I don't have is I don't like.. what I'm in. Physical things. And maybe I shouldn't feel so strongly against those things. But I do already, and now I need to work on that too. Which I can do. Will just take time.
I really want to not pass that onto my children. I know how horrible it is to FEEL that way. I don't wish it upon anyone.
I'd hope I could help my kids get to happiness. And not just like.. regular happiness, but happiness inside, ya know?
I don't know.
I'm just odd.

I'll stop.
It's long, I know.
It's a problem I have. xp