Let's see how far we've come.

I think maybe we have all of these grand prophecies about our impending doom because it’s something we need in order to live life like it’s something important. Otherwise it’s just so easy to fall into routine. So easy to just go through the motions, I mean everything is set up for us to do it. Here anyway, I can’t say what it’s like anywhere else in the world as I’ve yet to see it.
But when we think that there is a set time when the world is going to end, and it’s going to end for us. A time when there will be nothing else, as far as we know. So we can throw caution to the wind and live while we’ve got time left. Letting the youth be as stupid as they want, so they can say, “Well we thought the world was ending.”
It’s rather inviting. Quite tempting.
But see, I lost my map when I was young. I don’t know how to throw caution to the wind. It goes against my instincts to survive. I don’t understand this turning off your brain sort of living. I can’t quit thinking.
I suppose that’s why they made things that alter your mind. My initial attempt was alcohol, but “alter your mind” sounds more drug-ish. Either way.

I’ve said before that I’m real. I’ve never not been myself within this relationship. As time has gone by I’ve noticed this is incorrect. I’ve played it rather safe. In important matters I have been myself. I get that people change as time goes on, but it’s a bit more than that. I’ve just been a little tuned down. Not a lot, just enough for me to know, because I know myself. And I don’t know if there’s anything I can do about it. Not that I’m doing nothing. I’ve decided recently to return to.. Myself. The way I was when I was perfectly fine chillaxin in my room, listening to music, and occupying my own time. Since I spent so much time doing that I kind of turned away from it as much as I could when I got the opportunity. I don’t regret it, but I’ve caused myself mental trouble trying to go against the current a bit. I’m a go-with-the-flow kind of girl.
I miss talking in rhymes, or circles, and causing frustration in the minds of men.
Perhaps it’s just me missing being single? Not that I was ever in the “single” part of single, you know, where you’re actually going about and seeing people or whatever else. Was just in and by myself a single person. I suppose that’s possible. I know I miss when I didn’t care if people were around me. Makes things easier.
But yeah. All of this is a process to get back to myself. I’m rather sick of being let down by other people. I knew this shit before, but I had to go and have a lapse in judgment and give it a shot. Now I know I was right in the first place. Now, I’m still torn on my willingness to wait around for something to happen, and my urge to make things happen. My overall goal was always in the middle. I dunno. But my point is that this is a part of returning to my roots. I miss writing most of all. I made up with it by talking to actual people more. Cause you know, they always portray the person who writes all their thoughts as lonely and friendless. Not too fun. Who can blame me for trying out maybe being a person people regularly talk to. It’s bothersome though. But there’s a peace of mind I get when I make my thoughts and feelings words; on paper or in text.
It could be viewed as a little sad.. My intent was to find someone to replace that. Maybe not completely, but to be used as that outlet as well. I don’t think I’ve accomplished it. Now that may be in part just in my head. But I don’t know. I think that’s why I doubt some things. It causes me anguish. It makes me feel bad. How many times can you think something before you have to accept it as reality? Sometimes it’s best to let thoughts pass, they’re often times initial reactions and what not. Not too reliable. But when they’re reoccurring.. Either way I wouldn’t want to throw away what I have now. And if I made a move in any direction it would either be sealing or damning.
Decisions, man.
But, like I said, I’m a go-with-the-flow kind of girl, so I’ll continue on in the direction I’m headed. I’ll make adjustments in and/or to the course as I go.

This pickle is not crisp.

I’ve always been interested in that guy that irks me in an off sort of way. The guy that doesn’t give up, keeps trying, and shows interest first and foremost.
Most times the girls (in movies) are all, oh my gosh, didn’t know I’d like that, what a surprise and not what I imagined my dream dude to be. So what about when you already know that’s the direction you want to go in?
People always talk about a certain way things are supposed to feel when you’re with “the one.” And the characters in movies are always so quick to throw that would be relationship in the trash, without further thought. Like it’s so easy.
And I guess it is, when you.. I don’t know, know what it’s supposed to feel like? But to know it is to have been through it and then why aren’t you still in that relationship? Then, oh my, maybe they weren’t the one, so you don’t know. I don’t know.
It’s all rather annoying. I miss the days when I didn’t really mind it. I’m not sure when that was, if there was a time like that.



I just watched this movie about some kid who goes to spend the summer with his great uncles, blah blah, gets money. My point is they led extraordinary lives. Old people have some fantastic stories of their fantastic youth. Is that really obtainable anymore? I mean aside from being a famous artist/performer of some form.. Or being some sort of corporate such and such. It’s something I want. The path I’m going down now doesn’t really lead me there. I wish I could assure that other persons would be as understanding in such a matter. Overall I’m not sure how I’d do it anyway.