Let's see how far we've come.

I think maybe we have all of these grand prophecies about our impending doom because it’s something we need in order to live life like it’s something important. Otherwise it’s just so easy to fall into routine. So easy to just go through the motions, I mean everything is set up for us to do it. Here anyway, I can’t say what it’s like anywhere else in the world as I’ve yet to see it.
But when we think that there is a set time when the world is going to end, and it’s going to end for us. A time when there will be nothing else, as far as we know. So we can throw caution to the wind and live while we’ve got time left. Letting the youth be as stupid as they want, so they can say, “Well we thought the world was ending.”
It’s rather inviting. Quite tempting.
But see, I lost my map when I was young. I don’t know how to throw caution to the wind. It goes against my instincts to survive. I don’t understand this turning off your brain sort of living. I can’t quit thinking.
I suppose that’s why they made things that alter your mind. My initial attempt was alcohol, but “alter your mind” sounds more drug-ish. Either way.

I’ve said before that I’m real. I’ve never not been myself within this relationship. As time has gone by I’ve noticed this is incorrect. I’ve played it rather safe. In important matters I have been myself. I get that people change as time goes on, but it’s a bit more than that. I’ve just been a little tuned down. Not a lot, just enough for me to know, because I know myself. And I don’t know if there’s anything I can do about it. Not that I’m doing nothing. I’ve decided recently to return to.. Myself. The way I was when I was perfectly fine chillaxin in my room, listening to music, and occupying my own time. Since I spent so much time doing that I kind of turned away from it as much as I could when I got the opportunity. I don’t regret it, but I’ve caused myself mental trouble trying to go against the current a bit. I’m a go-with-the-flow kind of girl.
I miss talking in rhymes, or circles, and causing frustration in the minds of men.
Perhaps it’s just me missing being single? Not that I was ever in the “single” part of single, you know, where you’re actually going about and seeing people or whatever else. Was just in and by myself a single person. I suppose that’s possible. I know I miss when I didn’t care if people were around me. Makes things easier.
But yeah. All of this is a process to get back to myself. I’m rather sick of being let down by other people. I knew this shit before, but I had to go and have a lapse in judgment and give it a shot. Now I know I was right in the first place. Now, I’m still torn on my willingness to wait around for something to happen, and my urge to make things happen. My overall goal was always in the middle. I dunno. But my point is that this is a part of returning to my roots. I miss writing most of all. I made up with it by talking to actual people more. Cause you know, they always portray the person who writes all their thoughts as lonely and friendless. Not too fun. Who can blame me for trying out maybe being a person people regularly talk to. It’s bothersome though. But there’s a peace of mind I get when I make my thoughts and feelings words; on paper or in text.
It could be viewed as a little sad.. My intent was to find someone to replace that. Maybe not completely, but to be used as that outlet as well. I don’t think I’ve accomplished it. Now that may be in part just in my head. But I don’t know. I think that’s why I doubt some things. It causes me anguish. It makes me feel bad. How many times can you think something before you have to accept it as reality? Sometimes it’s best to let thoughts pass, they’re often times initial reactions and what not. Not too reliable. But when they’re reoccurring.. Either way I wouldn’t want to throw away what I have now. And if I made a move in any direction it would either be sealing or damning.
Decisions, man.
But, like I said, I’m a go-with-the-flow kind of girl, so I’ll continue on in the direction I’m headed. I’ll make adjustments in and/or to the course as I go.

This pickle is not crisp.

I’ve always been interested in that guy that irks me in an off sort of way. The guy that doesn’t give up, keeps trying, and shows interest first and foremost.
Most times the girls (in movies) are all, oh my gosh, didn’t know I’d like that, what a surprise and not what I imagined my dream dude to be. So what about when you already know that’s the direction you want to go in?
People always talk about a certain way things are supposed to feel when you’re with “the one.” And the characters in movies are always so quick to throw that would be relationship in the trash, without further thought. Like it’s so easy.
And I guess it is, when you.. I don’t know, know what it’s supposed to feel like? But to know it is to have been through it and then why aren’t you still in that relationship? Then, oh my, maybe they weren’t the one, so you don’t know. I don’t know.
It’s all rather annoying. I miss the days when I didn’t really mind it. I’m not sure when that was, if there was a time like that.



I just watched this movie about some kid who goes to spend the summer with his great uncles, blah blah, gets money. My point is they led extraordinary lives. Old people have some fantastic stories of their fantastic youth. Is that really obtainable anymore? I mean aside from being a famous artist/performer of some form.. Or being some sort of corporate such and such. It’s something I want. The path I’m going down now doesn’t really lead me there. I wish I could assure that other persons would be as understanding in such a matter. Overall I’m not sure how I’d do it anyway.

The Wind Cries

So I think like a mistake a I made when I came into this relationship (not that I'm saying the relationship is over or shitty) was how I.. acted. I was shy. But the whole time.. Ithink I felt like talking and doing more things, but I was shy because he was. I wanted him to invite me to do something.
See.. Our first date was like.. at my friend's house.. Cause he lived far away and I didn't want to do a whole lot of driving.. But he works in a town close to where my friend's place is. And we wanted to have a house to go back to to get to know each other and what not. Face to face time.
I picked him up from work and we.. Oh, wow, I'm having trouble remembering.. I think that time we were supposed to go out but didn't... And.. Oh man, this is annoying. ><
No I think we picked him up. She was dating Brandon and we went on a double date to pizza hut. o 3o I'm pretty sure. I feel bad for mixing up the first couple dates. but I think I'm allowed to, it's been over a year. ><; Time blends together.
Anyway.. But he didn't really talk much, and wasn't too close to me aside from sitting on the same side of the thinger. Booth. Yeah.
But, man, he was real cute. I was kinda shy, but I wanted him to talk to me.. Really wanted him to look at me more. I thought that would make me feel good. Did when it happened. We shared a drink though.

Now I need to do a backup real quick.
Although I've been shy most of my life and everything, I have branched out a good deal, and I do love to talk to people about things. It's hard to shut me up if you let me talk sometimes. Maybe that's why people hate me?
Anyway. So before our official date which was seeing eachother during the weekend. :3
But before that I wanted to get to know him and make a connection at my friend's house when she had her party he was coming to.
(and really I wanted to before when I saw him at the movies after he came back to Ohio from Georgia. He caught my eye. Was awkwardly cute. He didn't look at me at all. It made it easier to look at him.. And then at Game-a-paloza or whatever, saw him there after the movies and I stared at him. I didn't care if he saw. I tried to be near him here and there, but he was more attached to one of his male friends. Cause he's shy-like and whatever. Which I knew. Thought it was cute. So I stared at him whenever I had the chance and had a smug look on my face. Smirkin' away not caring if he would see me doing it or not. Didn't care who saw it either.)
But the party ended up sucking and he didn't stay the night cause my friend was high and fucked up priorities. I'm regularly low on the list. but anyway. So that was ruined, so I had my own party. Just said friend, her boyfriend, and Andy.
Obvious, huh?
So we drank. And he drank a lot. And he got sick, after having the time of his life going to the movie store.
I took care of him. My party. My interest anyway. ;B
Helped him around, didn't say shit when he farted and laughed. xD
And then later on in the night we stayed up real late and talked. He showed me his tattoo and I showed him my room.
Hah.
No, we didn't do anything. Sad.. I showed him my manga and we talked about things. We layed on the bed and he talked to me in his drunken state.
I studied his face as he talked to me, and kept smiling when I'd notice when he would do his twitch. Not a real twitch, but ya know, like his thing. He'd talk out of the side of his mouth, in a nervous-like fashion. Like he was nervous talking to me or over excited.. Which he seemed a bit.
I was so into it that I kept lying when he'd ask me if I was tired.
Now, he talked to much you have no idea. For the first couple of months of our relationship he would go to tell me little stories about his life or whatever, I'd let him repeat them, but then I'd tell him "yeah, you told me about that the first night in my room, while drunk." But I let him repeat it cause.. I liked when he talked. I do like when he talks. But anyway~
So I kept saying I wasn't tired when he asked. I did however get him to move further on the bed so I could lay down with a pillow and stuff and we were both laying there.
My mistake there was turning on the bed heater. Thought it'd help, but hurt in the end..
And so he kept talking to me, and like the third time he asked if I was tired or whatever, I said no, shortly after I passed the fuck out.
He said he saw me sleeping and.. Idon't know. I don't know why he decided to stay in there. Or maybe he fell asleep. Not sure..
But anyway. So I woke up real hot with the both of us under the covers. But no cuddling or touching.
=c
I wanted it, but it didn't happen, cause Iturned on the bedheater and we got over heated.
Could have maybe had weird morning sleep-cuddles but he woke up soon after.


....Hm.. I miss how we used to sleep together early in the relationship. It was so new. The first time in a long while I felt oh so comfortable in bed. I mean, we still cuddle and shit.. But.. He'd hold me through the whole night. It was comforting. And very new.


Anyway.
So for this backup is to show you we did interact before. So I was like.. overly suddenly comfortable with him. I'm normally shy with new people for a while, but Iwas open to him from the start. [Forgot to mention he huged me and stuff that night. When Ibrought him inside from puking. We stayed out there a long time and he held onto me. I held his hand and suff, and when we went to go in the movement was too much for him and he had to pause. and in pausing he was to lean on me. He ended up hugging me. Like, hold-hugging.]
So for this first official date, I wanted to be closer to him. He wouldn't get closer. I wanted him to look at me more. He wouldn't look at me too much. Not that I noticed anyway. But I didn't know if he was as comfortable with me as I was with him. And I thnk that was his problem right back.
But we had pizza, which was AWESOME. And we went back to my friend's house for the night. [It ended up being shit because he mom stayed up the WHOLE night drinking beer in the kitchen when we were supposed to be watching movies and shit. We had this preplanned. Her mom was just flipping out for no reason. It was weird. And stupid. Cause like, she let the girls last boyfriend stay for full weekends and more and they fucked everywhere in the house. But whatever.]
And we sat on the couch and tried to watch movies and stuff with as little annoyance from the mom as we could get. And we didn't touch. And we didn't really interact. We kinda were both just quiet and waiting.
But evenetually, though it was slowly closer and closer.
Cause honestly, I had to put my hand out so maybe he'd touch it. Made it in clear sight and everyhthing, near his hand.
So he finally did, and we didn't let go of eachothers hands except like once to change positions.


...But what I really wanted was to go away. The two of us, I mean. I wanted to go somewhere else so it could be just the two of us. I wanted to talk and do things. I wanted to.. have a first date. D:
I wanted him to get me alone in another room. I wanted more contact. I wanted to go on a walk and talk there. Maybe there'd be more.
If that would have been the first introduction to a physical relationship I think that would have helped.
And it would have been exciting.
Cause I mean, yeah I spent a day with him before, but I still didn't really know.
Fondling foreign parts when it's kind of impropper sounds so much more entertaining.
I mean.. What the fuck would he have done if while walking we paused and chilled somewhere. And we started on eachother in whatever fashion and Ijust went for the dick or something.
Or hell, I would have been fine with that being where we had our first kiss.
We didn't kiss till like the next day (after staying up ALL NIGHT) when drinking and he like.. brought it up in a way I didn't want it brought up, and pretty much asked when Iwas gonna kiss him.
I'm sorry, I've never been with a guy, I've always liked the idea for my first one to be taken, not preplaned and arranged and shit. Whatever.
But it's cool. Whatever.
Just saying.
It could have been better.. I wish I acted on how I was feeling.


I wonder how we'd be if we did that in the beginning. Where would we be now? What would be different?
How can I do that? How can I get that back? Those feelins on doing those things. How am Ito know he'd want to? I'd assume he'd have nothing wrong with those things..
But.. I mean.. I don't want it to be only me.
I want him to try on this. I want him to think ahead a little.. to make attempts. To think of me and plan to make a night nice. I don't think that's too much to ask for.
I know getting in a rut does stuff. It can be difficult. I just want to get out of it. I want some more good stuff. I'm swallowed in bad stuff in all other directions, I want a safe haven. I need that in a significant other. And I had it with him at some point. It was nice for that. We've lost track of it because of a bunch of shit going down. But we both want to work on that. I need him to or it wont work otherwise. And I told him this, and he knows. And we're good. I was terribly sad thinking it might not be changed. He might not work on it. I need to see the effort. I'm not saying things to insult him. Like that he doesn't do shit, or doesn't try, nor am I saying he should have to try harder.
Although, Why the hell shouldn't I say I deserve the best? Fuck yeah.
But Imean..
It's just something I need.
And I know Ineed it. I don't think that's wrong. And if it wont happen here, I can find it somewhere else. Even if it takes me years. I can manage. Although it would hurt me for that to happen, I'll go through it for what's to come. I respect myself too much for that. I love myself that much. I know who I am, and there is nothing wrong with me. I'm real. Everyone else can fuck off. There's always a box on the street, and Ithink my puppies would stay with me.. for a while. Till it's summer and warmer? I don't know. I'll get three boxes and live on the streets. homeless people can make mad money sometimes. I'll use the moneyh I made to feed my puppies.

..I don't know.

I do just want to bring fun back into the relationship. I think that's a problem? I think that's reasonable a thing to work on. We could both use it. Fun together. Not just fun. It's got to be together.
We need scheduled time together that is ONLY together, and not in the bed. Or not sexual. That's the difference between fuck buddies and a relationship. In my opinion anyway. I'm not a roommate who he scores with whenever. And I deserve for that to be well known.


But we're good.
And I'm good.


I know I went on a lot.
It happens.


Sometimes though.. Ithink that I'll never find anyone who I can just talk to. No one really appreciates me when I speak. Everyone waits for their turn to talk.. I see it. Because Ilike to talk, and look for oportunities to discuss things with people. And it hurts when i'm not taken seriously. It'll be one of the many deaths of me.



I've got some shit to do tomorrow.. So I need to stop this.
Just a few things. And Idon't care..

Man.
Oh well.


I'll go get lost in my mind again, so long.

Show you how.

Sometimes I don't know if I know what it feels like to be in love anymore.
It just seems like we never spend time in that area. It's always jumped to another level of interest emotion wise.

I feel like I'm only ever hurt in this come hither vanish feeling and situation.


Or maybe I'm messed up.

Maybe I'm over reacting.
Maybe I'm running with something, because I've not had luck in this department before, always had it get ruined.
Maybe it's me.
Could be.


I don't know.




But I'll just continue this shit.
See if it's even what it is. I've been tricked before.
And who knows because I'm not allowed to have this sort of conversation or I'm over analyzing and shit.
Whatever.





Lay down and let me lay with you
If you stay around then Ima stay with you.
Aint no way I'm leaving girl lets talk about it
Come here Ima show you how to love somebody.




Let's go to our own dream worlds.

Badfish

Oh Baby.

Music makes life good.
Raises the mood and lifts the spirit.
I don't know where I'd be without it. It helps me deal with anything. Makes it okay.

I'm very addicted to it. It's the best stress reliever.
And there's so much shit going around. I've always loved just chilling listening to music. It's the best way I ever spend my time.
It's what I used to do in the summer all the time.
Or in the spring when it gets just real nice.
I sit and I listen and I don't think.
Cause I don't need to.
I just.. listen and feel. My thoughts turn to feelings and it's so relaxing.
It's the best escape.

I can just forget that all my friends aren't my friends. That I've been let down in ways I never thought I would.. That I only have one person that makes sacrifices for me.
My mother doesn't even do that. Hasn't for a long time now. She did, once upon a time, sacrifice a lot. Lived away from her family away from where she grew up so I'd see my dad. But she's always resented me in a fashion for it. I'm serious. I know she.. loves me as I'm her child.. but it's.. more on a level of she gave birth to me she has no choice. At least that's the majority. And that's how it feels.
But it's whatever. I can do without.
And all these people I thought were of importance. People who I thought would be there for me, as I'm always willing to be there for them.. I was wrong. It's as simple as that.
My mistake.
I thought I was entitled to people who care about me. I mean, I thought.. I wasn't a bad person. And bad people have people who care for them.
I thought I was worth while.
I guess I'm wrong, as far as when it comes to them.
But that's fine. I can do without it.
I've got my one person, and I've got music.
I've got determination and I'll make it better. Might be hard going to get it done, but it'll happen. I've no other choice.

I believe we're looking for happiness. And I'm sick of other people ruining that for me.
And I'm sick of me worrying about said other people. Fuck them.
This is about me.
Me and whoever wants to actually be involved in my life. I don't need bullshit.
I don't need fake shit.
I don't need to be treated like shit.
I deserve better than that, and if that means going without a lot of things for a while, that's fine.

But I've gotten off course.

I spend most of my time thinking. My mind's always going and I really don't even know how to turn it off sometimes.
But music lets me do that.
I honestly don't know where I'd be without it.

I'm sick of taking life so seriously. I want to be carefree.
I want to be happy. And it will happen.
I'm sick of people fucking that up and me letting them.

See.. I have this thing where I'd love to be a hermit. Fuck people. I really hate them.
However I'm interested in some people on a personal level. I'll be the best friend to whoever will have me, granted they have to give some back. Cause I'm not for being taken advantage of.
And I've been known to let that happen for a while. I put up with a lot of shit, because I'm tricked into thinking shit will get better on it's own. But I'm learning it wont. If it's shitty it'll continue to be shitty.
That's why I don't care when people think I'm a horrible bitch.
I mean, I do care, because I'm honestly not a bitch.
But I know what I don't like. And I know that that's all I get if I don't speak up about something when it comes up. If I don't address an issue then it'll build up. And I don't like jumping through hoops and dealing with bullshit, so I'm frank.
A lot of people don't like that. They don't like that I'm strong? Fuck them. I don't need anyone to like me. All I /need/ in this life is a way to continue living and a few people who care. The rest of the world can fuck themselves if they've got a problem with me.
And it's only misunderstanding.
I'm a shy girl who doesn't want to be pushed around. However I can take a deal of it and I unfortunately let people walk all over me if they matter to me in any sense, at least for a while. I don't.. understand why people dislike me for that.
But that's fine.
Anyway. I'd love to be a hermit. but for the most part that doesn't work.
Cause one does need interaction. And I do like people on personal levels. I love having friends, but it's been so long a person has been true in that sense.
I do want people around me who I love and love me. I do want that happiness too, and that connection and that fun. But I do like seclusion. I do kinda want a close knit group too.
So I'll probably just be alone and have only family. As in the family I make. The new friends I make, if I ever do, when I move, and the family as in husband and children. Friends are an extension of said family.

I don't know.

I know I ramble. I can't help it.




I want open skies right now.
I want a cool slow breeze on a warm day.

I've always wanted, in that situation, to go somewhere with good friends. Just hang and talk about anything and everything. Easy fun, easy love.
But it never happens.
I guess I need to find those people. I need to be able to get into that environment too.
I don't know why it's seemingly so difficult.
A lot of false people in this world. A lot of people just out to get their own and hurt others. I don't understand it.

But just.. I mean, all I can say is summer.
I want that feeling. Freedom and easy times.
That's what music gives me.


So I've been thinking a lot. Like always.
But I've been thinking of children. And of course I don't want to bring any into the world just yet..
But I've still been thinking.
I just hope I can install the sort of strength in them I know it takes to get by in this world. To have them realize they must understand and love themselves.
I've got a bit of it. I love who and how I am. I know there is nothing wrong with me. There really isn't. I could be smarter, but I'm working on that. I could talk better with people, but I'm working on that. those are little things to work on and can be worked on. But who I am as a person, I'm completely fine with. If I was another person I'd be my friend. I am a good person. So that's not something I need to worry about. If other people don't see that it's because they don't want to. That's it, really..
Only thing I don't have is I don't like.. what I'm in. Physical things. And maybe I shouldn't feel so strongly against those things. But I do already, and now I need to work on that too. Which I can do. Will just take time.
I really want to not pass that onto my children. I know how horrible it is to FEEL that way. I don't wish it upon anyone.
I'd hope I could help my kids get to happiness. And not just like.. regular happiness, but happiness inside, ya know?
I don't know.
I'm just odd.

I'll stop.
It's long, I know.
It's a problem I have. xp