The Wind Cries

So I think like a mistake a I made when I came into this relationship (not that I'm saying the relationship is over or shitty) was how I.. acted. I was shy. But the whole time.. Ithink I felt like talking and doing more things, but I was shy because he was. I wanted him to invite me to do something.
See.. Our first date was like.. at my friend's house.. Cause he lived far away and I didn't want to do a whole lot of driving.. But he works in a town close to where my friend's place is. And we wanted to have a house to go back to to get to know each other and what not. Face to face time.
I picked him up from work and we.. Oh, wow, I'm having trouble remembering.. I think that time we were supposed to go out but didn't... And.. Oh man, this is annoying. ><
No I think we picked him up. She was dating Brandon and we went on a double date to pizza hut. o 3o I'm pretty sure. I feel bad for mixing up the first couple dates. but I think I'm allowed to, it's been over a year. ><; Time blends together.
Anyway.. But he didn't really talk much, and wasn't too close to me aside from sitting on the same side of the thinger. Booth. Yeah.
But, man, he was real cute. I was kinda shy, but I wanted him to talk to me.. Really wanted him to look at me more. I thought that would make me feel good. Did when it happened. We shared a drink though.

Now I need to do a backup real quick.
Although I've been shy most of my life and everything, I have branched out a good deal, and I do love to talk to people about things. It's hard to shut me up if you let me talk sometimes. Maybe that's why people hate me?
Anyway. So before our official date which was seeing eachother during the weekend. :3
But before that I wanted to get to know him and make a connection at my friend's house when she had her party he was coming to.
(and really I wanted to before when I saw him at the movies after he came back to Ohio from Georgia. He caught my eye. Was awkwardly cute. He didn't look at me at all. It made it easier to look at him.. And then at Game-a-paloza or whatever, saw him there after the movies and I stared at him. I didn't care if he saw. I tried to be near him here and there, but he was more attached to one of his male friends. Cause he's shy-like and whatever. Which I knew. Thought it was cute. So I stared at him whenever I had the chance and had a smug look on my face. Smirkin' away not caring if he would see me doing it or not. Didn't care who saw it either.)
But the party ended up sucking and he didn't stay the night cause my friend was high and fucked up priorities. I'm regularly low on the list. but anyway. So that was ruined, so I had my own party. Just said friend, her boyfriend, and Andy.
Obvious, huh?
So we drank. And he drank a lot. And he got sick, after having the time of his life going to the movie store.
I took care of him. My party. My interest anyway. ;B
Helped him around, didn't say shit when he farted and laughed. xD
And then later on in the night we stayed up real late and talked. He showed me his tattoo and I showed him my room.
Hah.
No, we didn't do anything. Sad.. I showed him my manga and we talked about things. We layed on the bed and he talked to me in his drunken state.
I studied his face as he talked to me, and kept smiling when I'd notice when he would do his twitch. Not a real twitch, but ya know, like his thing. He'd talk out of the side of his mouth, in a nervous-like fashion. Like he was nervous talking to me or over excited.. Which he seemed a bit.
I was so into it that I kept lying when he'd ask me if I was tired.
Now, he talked to much you have no idea. For the first couple of months of our relationship he would go to tell me little stories about his life or whatever, I'd let him repeat them, but then I'd tell him "yeah, you told me about that the first night in my room, while drunk." But I let him repeat it cause.. I liked when he talked. I do like when he talks. But anyway~
So I kept saying I wasn't tired when he asked. I did however get him to move further on the bed so I could lay down with a pillow and stuff and we were both laying there.
My mistake there was turning on the bed heater. Thought it'd help, but hurt in the end..
And so he kept talking to me, and like the third time he asked if I was tired or whatever, I said no, shortly after I passed the fuck out.
He said he saw me sleeping and.. Idon't know. I don't know why he decided to stay in there. Or maybe he fell asleep. Not sure..
But anyway. So I woke up real hot with the both of us under the covers. But no cuddling or touching.
=c
I wanted it, but it didn't happen, cause Iturned on the bedheater and we got over heated.
Could have maybe had weird morning sleep-cuddles but he woke up soon after.


....Hm.. I miss how we used to sleep together early in the relationship. It was so new. The first time in a long while I felt oh so comfortable in bed. I mean, we still cuddle and shit.. But.. He'd hold me through the whole night. It was comforting. And very new.


Anyway.
So for this backup is to show you we did interact before. So I was like.. overly suddenly comfortable with him. I'm normally shy with new people for a while, but Iwas open to him from the start. [Forgot to mention he huged me and stuff that night. When Ibrought him inside from puking. We stayed out there a long time and he held onto me. I held his hand and suff, and when we went to go in the movement was too much for him and he had to pause. and in pausing he was to lean on me. He ended up hugging me. Like, hold-hugging.]
So for this first official date, I wanted to be closer to him. He wouldn't get closer. I wanted him to look at me more. He wouldn't look at me too much. Not that I noticed anyway. But I didn't know if he was as comfortable with me as I was with him. And I thnk that was his problem right back.
But we had pizza, which was AWESOME. And we went back to my friend's house for the night. [It ended up being shit because he mom stayed up the WHOLE night drinking beer in the kitchen when we were supposed to be watching movies and shit. We had this preplanned. Her mom was just flipping out for no reason. It was weird. And stupid. Cause like, she let the girls last boyfriend stay for full weekends and more and they fucked everywhere in the house. But whatever.]
And we sat on the couch and tried to watch movies and stuff with as little annoyance from the mom as we could get. And we didn't touch. And we didn't really interact. We kinda were both just quiet and waiting.
But evenetually, though it was slowly closer and closer.
Cause honestly, I had to put my hand out so maybe he'd touch it. Made it in clear sight and everyhthing, near his hand.
So he finally did, and we didn't let go of eachothers hands except like once to change positions.


...But what I really wanted was to go away. The two of us, I mean. I wanted to go somewhere else so it could be just the two of us. I wanted to talk and do things. I wanted to.. have a first date. D:
I wanted him to get me alone in another room. I wanted more contact. I wanted to go on a walk and talk there. Maybe there'd be more.
If that would have been the first introduction to a physical relationship I think that would have helped.
And it would have been exciting.
Cause I mean, yeah I spent a day with him before, but I still didn't really know.
Fondling foreign parts when it's kind of impropper sounds so much more entertaining.
I mean.. What the fuck would he have done if while walking we paused and chilled somewhere. And we started on eachother in whatever fashion and Ijust went for the dick or something.
Or hell, I would have been fine with that being where we had our first kiss.
We didn't kiss till like the next day (after staying up ALL NIGHT) when drinking and he like.. brought it up in a way I didn't want it brought up, and pretty much asked when Iwas gonna kiss him.
I'm sorry, I've never been with a guy, I've always liked the idea for my first one to be taken, not preplaned and arranged and shit. Whatever.
But it's cool. Whatever.
Just saying.
It could have been better.. I wish I acted on how I was feeling.


I wonder how we'd be if we did that in the beginning. Where would we be now? What would be different?
How can I do that? How can I get that back? Those feelins on doing those things. How am Ito know he'd want to? I'd assume he'd have nothing wrong with those things..
But.. I mean.. I don't want it to be only me.
I want him to try on this. I want him to think ahead a little.. to make attempts. To think of me and plan to make a night nice. I don't think that's too much to ask for.
I know getting in a rut does stuff. It can be difficult. I just want to get out of it. I want some more good stuff. I'm swallowed in bad stuff in all other directions, I want a safe haven. I need that in a significant other. And I had it with him at some point. It was nice for that. We've lost track of it because of a bunch of shit going down. But we both want to work on that. I need him to or it wont work otherwise. And I told him this, and he knows. And we're good. I was terribly sad thinking it might not be changed. He might not work on it. I need to see the effort. I'm not saying things to insult him. Like that he doesn't do shit, or doesn't try, nor am I saying he should have to try harder.
Although, Why the hell shouldn't I say I deserve the best? Fuck yeah.
But Imean..
It's just something I need.
And I know Ineed it. I don't think that's wrong. And if it wont happen here, I can find it somewhere else. Even if it takes me years. I can manage. Although it would hurt me for that to happen, I'll go through it for what's to come. I respect myself too much for that. I love myself that much. I know who I am, and there is nothing wrong with me. I'm real. Everyone else can fuck off. There's always a box on the street, and Ithink my puppies would stay with me.. for a while. Till it's summer and warmer? I don't know. I'll get three boxes and live on the streets. homeless people can make mad money sometimes. I'll use the moneyh I made to feed my puppies.

..I don't know.

I do just want to bring fun back into the relationship. I think that's a problem? I think that's reasonable a thing to work on. We could both use it. Fun together. Not just fun. It's got to be together.
We need scheduled time together that is ONLY together, and not in the bed. Or not sexual. That's the difference between fuck buddies and a relationship. In my opinion anyway. I'm not a roommate who he scores with whenever. And I deserve for that to be well known.


But we're good.
And I'm good.


I know I went on a lot.
It happens.


Sometimes though.. Ithink that I'll never find anyone who I can just talk to. No one really appreciates me when I speak. Everyone waits for their turn to talk.. I see it. Because Ilike to talk, and look for oportunities to discuss things with people. And it hurts when i'm not taken seriously. It'll be one of the many deaths of me.



I've got some shit to do tomorrow.. So I need to stop this.
Just a few things. And Idon't care..

Man.
Oh well.


I'll go get lost in my mind again, so long.